Consumed With Guilt

I feel ashamed.

Last night I willingly viewed things I shouldn't have, and I was consumed with guilt as I slept. I tossed and turned for a few hours, my thoughts going back to what I have done. Because I woke up late this morning, I told people I had a rough night, but I couldn't go into the specifics. I felt too ashamed. I didn't want to confess my guilt to anyone except God. I don't know if I can confess to anyone at anytime what one of my greatest sins are because I feel ashamed. The closest thing I've said to a friend that though I remain a virgin, I have read and seen things regarding sex that I know I shouldn't have.

There. I said it. I'm guilty of sexual sin.

Believe me, it's not easy dealing with it. I've asked for God's forgiveness hundreds of times. When I've finally felt clean, pure, and whole again, I screwed up. I screwed up majorly. As a result I felt the guilt last night and now am begging for God to forgive me and to make me pure once again.

I was once told (or rather heard on a TV show) that it's best if your spouse knows of "skeletons in the closet." I agree that my own future husband should know the good and the bad of me and should accept that, just as I would with him. But how can I tell him of this "skeleton"? How can I reveal to him that I feel like I betrayed him because I sought out images that were not pure and innocent, like I come across to be? I don't know if I can do it.

Honestly, I feel like crying right now just thinking about it. It's going to take great courage. It's going to take great strength. He's going to have to be the best thing that happened to my life because I feel so ashamed. I sometimes secretly pray that he has a sin as big as this one so that we could confess together and find healing in each other. (Is that such a terrible thing to ask for? I feel like it is sometimes.)

Tears are coming now. Just a tiny bit, but I feel it. I'm writing this blog post because I feel like I need to write it all out to find relief. I'm hoping that by writing this someone will read it and pray for me or tell me that I'm not alone. I just need God so, so much right now. I need to find happiness and relief once again. I need to seek forgiveness and know that I'm right with God. I need His power and His healing so much that I can't begin to describe it. I just feel so guilty, so ashamed, so dirty. I need purity in my heart. I need a fresh start. I need to put God first in my life and let Him help me conquer this sin and help me through my life once again.

Please. If anyone out there in this world is reading this, please pray for me. Leave a comment, send me a message, do something so that I may find peace again. Prayer is a powerful thing, and I could use lots of prayers right now.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for reading my confession. Thank you for your prayers.

God bless.