Letting Go...Again and Again

One of the hardest things I've had to face when I started college was the fact that half of the student population was in a relationship.  I didn't think I would worry about when I was going into a relationship until I started out my freshman year, but I did.  I adjusted to dorm life just fine.  I adjusted to going to class, being on my own, and studying--all just fine.  But I worried more about when a guy was going to notice me.

I finally let that stress go when I realized that God was calling me to trust Him again.  I had gone through a crush my first semester and had repeatedly asked God to help me let go of my feelings if it wasn't met to be.  When those feelings were finally gone (for now? never to return?), I seemed to go back to stressing over being in a relationship once again.  When I finally let go of that stress, I began to have some feelings for another guy I had met.

It seems to be an endless cycle.  I want to trust God to lead me to the right direction regarding my future spouse, but yet I try to take things in my own hands.  I finally give my trust in Him, but yet I feel like I'm reading way too much into how a guy treats me.  It's frustrating.  Extremely frustrating.

But I need to let go.  I need to let things take its course naturally without me fussing over it.  I need to trust that God knows what He is doing and that He has the best plan--the best man waiting--for me regarding my "love story."  If that means praying for God to take away my feelings toward a guy because he's not right for me or it's not the right time, then so be it.

I need to let go.

Finding Peace

I posted yesterday about the guilt I had felt over a sexual sin. I wrote that post in search of peace and relief from my guilt. I wanted to be free and to be right again with God. It was a desperate plea, I know, but I thought it was necessary to confess to someone, even if it was hiding behind the screen and to a rather empty blog.

Today I'm happy to report that I found peace. I spent time with God and in Him I found peace. I wrote out my blog post. I read my Verse of the Day. I caught up in my devotional and came across a day that truly told what I needed to hear (May 20 of the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young):  how when our sins weigh us down, we need to turn to Jesus Christ, confess to Him, and to stay in His light. I prayed for forgiveness. I read the first chapter in Ellen G. White's Steps to Christ. By the time I finished with my quiet moments with God, I found peace. I found joy. I didn't feel the burden of guilt and instead felt new, pure, and whole again.

I never want to go back to feeling so dirty, so unclean, so guilty. Will it happen again? Probably. I can't guarantee that I won't fall short in the eyes of God again. But I can say that May 22 was a new beginning for me. It opened my eyes. It allowed me to see what the consequences of sin can be. No longer do I have the desire to do the things I did, ever again. Instead I want to grow more in God, become a better Christian, prepare myself to meet my future husband, and (most importantly) be ready for Christ's second coming.

Thank you to those who read my confession, and thank you to those who prayed for me. Your prayers have been answered just as mine have been. I HAVE FOUND PEACE!!!

"But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin." - 1 John 1:7 (NIV)

Consumed With Guilt

I feel ashamed.

Last night I willingly viewed things I shouldn't have, and I was consumed with guilt as I slept. I tossed and turned for a few hours, my thoughts going back to what I have done. Because I woke up late this morning, I told people I had a rough night, but I couldn't go into the specifics. I felt too ashamed. I didn't want to confess my guilt to anyone except God. I don't know if I can confess to anyone at anytime what one of my greatest sins are because I feel ashamed. The closest thing I've said to a friend that though I remain a virgin, I have read and seen things regarding sex that I know I shouldn't have.

There. I said it. I'm guilty of sexual sin.

Believe me, it's not easy dealing with it. I've asked for God's forgiveness hundreds of times. When I've finally felt clean, pure, and whole again, I screwed up. I screwed up majorly. As a result I felt the guilt last night and now am begging for God to forgive me and to make me pure once again.

I was once told (or rather heard on a TV show) that it's best if your spouse knows of "skeletons in the closet." I agree that my own future husband should know the good and the bad of me and should accept that, just as I would with him. But how can I tell him of this "skeleton"? How can I reveal to him that I feel like I betrayed him because I sought out images that were not pure and innocent, like I come across to be? I don't know if I can do it.

Honestly, I feel like crying right now just thinking about it. It's going to take great courage. It's going to take great strength. He's going to have to be the best thing that happened to my life because I feel so ashamed. I sometimes secretly pray that he has a sin as big as this one so that we could confess together and find healing in each other. (Is that such a terrible thing to ask for? I feel like it is sometimes.)

Tears are coming now. Just a tiny bit, but I feel it. I'm writing this blog post because I feel like I need to write it all out to find relief. I'm hoping that by writing this someone will read it and pray for me or tell me that I'm not alone. I just need God so, so much right now. I need to find happiness and relief once again. I need to seek forgiveness and know that I'm right with God. I need His power and His healing so much that I can't begin to describe it. I just feel so guilty, so ashamed, so dirty. I need purity in my heart. I need a fresh start. I need to put God first in my life and let Him help me conquer this sin and help me through my life once again.

Please. If anyone out there in this world is reading this, please pray for me. Leave a comment, send me a message, do something so that I may find peace again. Prayer is a powerful thing, and I could use lots of prayers right now.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for reading my confession. Thank you for your prayers.

God bless.

Letting Go

I learned a hard lesson last night.  It was a lesson that I needed to realize and it was a lesson that God had been trying to tell me all along.  I had some fear on giving up what I needed to give up, but I talked it through with God and now I feel at peace.

It all started when I was fourteen. I had read Melody Carlson's Becoming Me, one book of five in Caitlin's story of the Diary of a Teenage Girl series.  In the end of the book, the main character (Caitlin) had chosen to give up dating.  I felt convicted to do the same, so I chose not to date in high school.  I told God that I won't date until college as long as He will lead me to the right man for me.  It felt like the right decision for me, and I stuck through it.

College changed my perspective on dating.  Even though I had chosen to attend a Christian school, my mind easily became distracted with the thought of meeting "the one" and dating.  I can't tell you how many times I looked at a guy I met and wondered if he was going to be the man God wants me to be with.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wondering who is going to be your spouse, but what I am saying is that it became too much part of my thoughts.

Reality hit me when I began watching videos on YouTube, videos that showed kids' reactions to surprise trips to Disney and proposals that took place in the parks.  I stumbled upon one Disney proposal video I had seen a long time ago.  It was the sweetest video and had one of the best "love stories" I ever heard.  The couple had chosen to let God take care of their relationship.  As a result, they found happiness in each other.  As I watched this video, I realized that this is something God wants for me.  He's trying to tell me to let go and let Him take control.  I need to stop worrying about getting into a relationship.  I need to stop trying to take care of things myself.  Instead, I need to let God write my love story and let Him lead me in life.

So I prayed for something hard.  I gave up dating again.  I asked God to purify my heart again and to send me my best friend according to His time and not mine.  I asked for guidance as I learn to put Him first.  I even asked Him to take care of my future husband while I wait for the right time to meet him.

Instead of focusing on dating, I'm challenging myself to focus on God.  This is what Southern Afternoon is going to be for.  I'm hoping to be consistent with my devotions and to begin reading the Bible, blogging about my experiences, thoughts, and feelings.  One day I hope to give my courtship story, but no longer do I want to focus on that.  I do not want my thoughts to be consumed with thoughts of relatioships and courtships.  Rather, I want to find God again and to discover His glory.

Pray for me as I begin my journey in discovering God, in becoming a virtuous woman.